Sparkling Water & A Spritz of Lime

As part of the male model series — 16.2

I bumped into O every single day this week and Friday, being Valentine’s Day, was no exception.

O is the man I kissed vehemently towards the end of last year, and then stopped kissing and started being on bad terms with instead. He has an oval mouth and would squeeze various parts of my body intermittently, like my breasts and my thighs, and I had to stop seeing him after a few weeks because I didn’t want to be seeing anyone at all. I expressed this to him throughout our seeing of each other, but in hindsight should not have been holding his hand, or kissing him, or moving other parts of my body close to his when I did so.

Since we work in close quarters, I have spent the better part of the year avoiding my office and propensity for self-sabotage — but recent projects and the need for stronger WiFi connectivity have forced my return.

I progressed with the week from not being able to say hello to tripping on my words and standing still as if frozen when I saw him, or otherwise staring at him through windows — all of which may be my body’s instinctual response to danger, save for the last.

I graduated from these scenes to secret courtyards and sparkling water on Friday evening with three exquisite women. Men were discussed — not at length.

On Saturday night I went to the Moveable Feast with my friends for the first time in over a month. I wore a small white shirt that fell off my shoulders, and my hair is short and my skin is tanned. I dance a lot, mostly on my own, and a very tall boy with a sharp nose and blonde hair whose name is Jack takes my hand. He is wearing a lilac terrycloth T-shirt and it feels clean. He is British and frighteningly good-looking and a model, he tells me, which I confirm later by way of Instagram. He is funny too, and I kiss him because I haven’t kissed anyone in a long time. His lips are soft but they move frantically and he puts his number in my phone but I don’t think I will text him.

I go home alone and am in bed by midnight. I wake up at 7 — just like the day before, and the day before that.